You just found out your teenager is drinking.

Maybe they came home smelling like alcohol.
Maybe another parent called you.
Maybe you found the bottle, or the text, or the video.

And your stomach dropped.

If this is where you are, I want you to pause and breathe with me for a second.
Because how you respond in the next 24–48 hours matters more than you think.

This Is a Leadership Moment, Not a Panic One

Underage drinking is serious. Let’s not sugarcoat it. It’s illegal, it’s dangerous, and it can escalate into bigger problems if left unchecked.

But it’s also incredibly common, especially during the middle and high school years. It’s easy to feel blindsided or like you’ve failed as a parent, but let me assure you: the presence of alcohol doesn’t mean the absence of your influence.

It means it’s time to lead.

So let’s talk through a few steps that can help you show up with both clarity and connection.

1. Pause Before You React

Your teen’s brain is built to push boundaries. Yours is built to regulate.
Take a beat before launching into lecture mode or grounding for a month.

This doesn’t mean you avoid the issue. It means you respond rather than react.

Ask yourself:

• Am I trying to punish, or am I trying to teach?
• Am I making this about my fear, or about their growth?

You want to be firm, but anchored.

2. Get the Facts Before You Assume

There’s a difference between hearing “they were drinking” and understanding the whole context.

• How much did they drink?
• Was this the first time?
• Where did it happen? With whom?
• Were they pressured or curious?
• Did they try to cover it up, or did they admit it?

Ask questions that encourage openness, not defensiveness. Avoid “Why would you do that?” and go with:

• “Walk me through what happened.”
• “What was going through your head?”
• “How did it feel afterward?”

This isn’t just about rules, it’s about relationship.

3. Don’t Skip the Consequences

Yes, there should be clear consequences. And ideally, these were already discussed before this moment ever happened.

But if they weren’t? Now’s your chance to set them together.

Natural consequences are best:

• Lost trust means temporary loss of privileges.
• Late night? Earlier curfew.
• Broken boundaries? Tighter oversight.

The key isn’t control, it’s clarity.

Make sure your teen knows: “This isn’t about punishing you, it’s about keeping you safe, and helping you grow into the person you want to be.”

4. Use This as a Starting Point, Not a Final Judgment

Your teen may feel shame, embarrassment, or even anger. That’s okay.

Reassure them: “I love you. I’m here. And we’re going to talk about this, because your choices matter.”

Then start ongoing conversations:

• What are the pressures you’re feeling?
• What do you think alcohol is offering you?
• How do you want to handle this next time?

This isn’t a one-and-done. It’s an open door.

5. Reflect on Your Own Habits and Messaging

Sometimes, teens drink out of curiosity. Sometimes, it’s to cope.
Either way, they’re watching you.

Ask yourself:

• What have I modeled about stress relief, fun, or fitting in?
• Do I talk honestly about alcohol, or only when I’m angry?
• Have I made it clear they can come to me without being shut down?

You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be present.

If your teen is drinking, it’s not a sign that all is lost. It’s a sign that it’s time to lean in.

You don’t have to yell to lead.
You don’t have to shame to make a point.
You do need to stay consistent, stay calm, and stay connected.

And if you need support as you navigate this, you don’t have to do it alone. 

👉 Watch my full video to learn more about building these skills on my website!

👉 Or, book a free strategy call with me today

Let’s create the family dynamic you’ve always dreamed of, one step at a time.

Be well & have courage,
Thomas M. Miller, LICSW